The beat that my heart skipped..

The key word today is numb. I've been feeling and dealing with some form of that concept since about noon hour and I'm very much lost on how to deal with it. Seemingly it's even over-arching to my writing, as I've apparently been staring at this blank box for about five minutes, knowing full well that I want to say something, but being entirely incapable of going through with it. That you're reading these words right now can be attributed to my decision of simply writing what's coming out (with some minor tweaking and editing.. as any student of a form of the written word would indulge in). So what is it that's wrong with me? I honestly can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm starting to wonder if the question I should be asking isn't 'What isn't wrong with me?'. Without a doubt, I feel empty. I just came to realize today that I haven't felt a polarizing emotion in such a long time. I've been wading through these questions of self, trying to define what 'home' is to me and desperately trying to figure out where I belong, but through it all I've lost perspective of myself, I forgot to touch base somewhere and now all I've got is this sense of emptiness. But emptiness on what level? I'm thinking emotional and creative expression. In a sense, it's like I've been trying so desperately to figure myself out from the inside that I forgot to let things in. I'm just realizing this now and it seems really tragic to me. I'm also realizing that I keep talking about 'realizing things' and 'realizations' and other nonsense of the like, and it's getting me self-conscious about my writing. Fuck.

So how do we cure this? How do we turn a cyclical and self-fulfilling concept like this on its head? I imagine there is no concrete way. But maybe not feeling so lonely for the first time in what seems like forever could help. I really miss having someone to share with and that really seems to be a recurring theme in these posts. If only I wasn't so awkward at pursuing relationships, if only I wasn't so afraid of getting hurt yet again, if only I didn't feel so horribly uninteresting and 'not myself' when I do happen to meet someone nice and lovely, maybe I'd stand a chance. Then again, maybe I'm creating an existential vortex out of a one night case of feeling numb.

Who am I kidding? I'm obviously insane. Good night.