3- Here We Go, Hold On Tight and Don't Let Go

It stopped snowing minutes ago and I'm thankful. I don't know how much more of the snowy onslaught I could've endured. Today is one of those days where just about nothing makes sense. I feel like I'm barely a person lately: stripped of my self-esteem, my focus, my wit; devoid of stories to tell, of things to love and of small victories. Sure, I still have the broad strokes in front of me. I still know what I want to achieve and I still have the ambition necessary to get there. But the lines I'd drawn in the sand to lead me to that goal have been erased. The fall is coming so quickly and I'm not sure how I'll manage to have all of my shit together by then. I'm a terrible mess. I want to leave and cut myself off from all that is familiar. I hate to be buying into that age-old 'finding yourself' cliché, but I certainly have trouble locating myself in any semblance of a coherent way lately. There's no purpose or mystery to anything I do and this discourse is redundant. Oh, shush already.

2- Some Hearts Are True

I walked home this morning just as the sun was rising. Montreal was still asleep and the air was cold and dry. For the first time this winter, I felt my beard crisp up because of the cold. I was listening to the new A Silver Mount Zion record at deafening volumes and was just overwhelmed by its beauty. As the chants at the end of BlindBlindBlind (the album's closer) receded, I had to stop and compose myself. I hadn't felt as emotionally tempered by a piece of music in quite a long time. "Some hearts are true" indeed.

1 - What honest words can't you afford to say?

Oh, sweet focus where have you gone? I think I have completely lost my ability to get any work done without being distracted by an infinite number of things. It's not that I don't want to get things done, but I'm starting to feel that I don't know how! Frightening. I have a week off coming up, so consequently this week promises to be pure hell, with a variety of hurdles that will necessitate overcoming. I suppose I will resort to the tried (and maybe not so true) method of making a list of things that I need to accomplish before the week is out. I need to put things into perspective (how many times have I typed that into this box before?) and figure out ways of motivating myself.

SO.. LIST!

Things to do:

1) Finishing considerably late paper for Globalization class. Due: ASAP
2) Studying for History exam... i.e. catching up on all the readings I haven't done. Due: Tuesday night at 6pm
3) Finishing John Hersey's Hiroshima (3 chapters left.) Due: Wednesday morning
4) Practicing for Music for Dummies exam. Due: Thursday morning
5) Writing final draft of my Coney Island piece for Literary Non-Fiction class. Due: Friday (read: Thursday before 6pm)
6) Shoveling the snow in the alleyway and getting my car out of there. Due: Thursday before 6pm
7) Eating. Due: Every day
8) Staying sane. Due: Every other day

Things to look forward to:

1) Graveyard of Ships mixes by week's end
2) City of a Hundred Spires band practice on Thursday (fuck you Valentine's day)
3) Thrice show on Saturday
4) Hang outs
5) Movie watching
6) Photo adventures
7) Reading
8) Lost
9) Autumn

Okay. We have perspective. We have an outline clearly laid out in front of us. Bloodshot eyes, cold feet and colder hands are not an excuse. By the end of tonight I have to scratch at least one element off of the top list. Here we go.